


I Can Spell Confusion With A 'K' And I Can Like It.

by Lanna Michaels (lannamichaels)



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Different First Meeting, Alternate Universe - Still In The Galaxy Far Far Away, Alternate Universe But Same Setting, Barista Sith Lords, Coffeeshop AU, I'm so sorry, Kylo Ren Kills Snoke, Little Coffeeshop Of Evil, Podfic Available, The First Order Has A Caffeine Addiction, crackfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-01
Updated: 2016-04-01
Packaged: 2018-05-30 12:52:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6424861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lannamichaels/pseuds/Lanna%20Michaels
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kylo Ren: barista to the dark side.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Can Spell Confusion With A 'K' And I Can Like It.

**Author's Note:**

> Happy April Fools, have some crackfic. The title is from Konstantine by Something Corporate.

1.

Kylo Ren is a proud graduate of the Supreme Leader's Coffee Academy. True, to graduate he had to murder Snoke, but all art comes with sacrifice.

After wiping the blood off of his hands, Kylo considers the next course of action. The First Order had recently taken over the planet that grows the best coffee beans. And so Kylo shrugs and takes his Knights to Starkiller Base. There are assuredly a lot of stormtroopers there who need a perfected cup of coffee to start their stormtrooping days.

 

2.

General Hux does not get his own coffee. He is a General. He has people to do that for him. He sometimes even has people to drink his coffee for him, when things are getting a bit too fraught over requisition forms between departments.

But he notices details, and so he notices when the quality of his morning coffee goes up, while the quality of his evening coffee remains the same. This is a mystery and one that needs to be solved immediately, for the good of galaxy, or, rather, the parts of it controlled by the First Order. Which are the only parts of the galaxy that matter.

And so he investigates. 'The Coffee Knights Of Ren' is open on the enlisted dining level for morning shift only. Hux sighs. _Contractors_.

He sends a memo. The contract is amended. And General Hux's coffee standard remains high throughout the day. He approves.

 

3.

It is inevitable for the general in charge of Starkiller Base to conduct inspection rounds on the base at the time when Kylo Ren is staffing the shop. It is possibly also inevitable for the General to interview the man responsible for the 15% increase in productivity in Starkiller Base since his arrival.

"I'm Ren," Kylo says flatly. He points to the sign. "Clearly."

He's wearing a mask over his face. That seems to be the gimmick; all of the employees are always fully covered from head to toe. The contract had said something about sanitary standards. Hux rather thinks instead that they're trying to fit in with the stormtroopers, who have to get special dispensation to take their helmets off for their coffee break.

"It's simply odd," Hux says, "as I was certain that was the name of the man who killed the First Order's Supreme Leader."

Hux gets the impression that Kylo is blinking at him very slowly from behind the mask. "What a coincidence," Kylo says. "Must be a distant relative. I doubt the Supreme Leader of such an _illustrious_ order as yours would drink coffee."

"It was his side business, actually," Hux says, examining his nails. It was an open secret that the First Order's early years had been marred by cash flow problems. Snoke had never derived any financial benefit from this. It was _ideological_. Hux, on the other hand, insisted that his officers be paid enough not to be tempted to defect simply for bribe money. If they were going to defect, it damn well better be for something more than comfortable, non-regulation underwear.

"Either order some coffee or get out of the line," Kylo tells him. "I have actual paying customers here and I'm on the clock."

General Hux coughs gently.

Kylo is definitely rolling his eyes. "Fine, order something or get out, _General_."

 

4.

The worst part is, the coffee from that shop has some kind of magic in it. It keeps a consistent temperature no matter how long it remains in Hux's mug and the taste never suffers no matter how long it has been brewed. Some of the stormtroopers are gossiping that the Coffee Knights of Ren are secretly Jedi who are infiltrating the First Order via its coffee habit so they can bring it down from the inside.

None of the stormtroopers seem overly concerned about that. Hux reduces their coffee ration accordingly.

"We do background checks on our contractors," Hux says to Phasma, who considers him carefully.

"And?" she eventually prompts.

"We'd know if he were a Jedi." Hux wants to be certain of this. He really wants to be certain.

Phasma laughs. "He's not a Jedi. He murdered all of them; he told me in his intake interview. They didn't like his blends."

Hux is halfway through nodding in agreement before he catches himself. "That is a terrible reason to kill someone."

"I'll let him know," Phasma says. She is definitely still laughing at him.

 

5.

"You forgot my whipped cream," Hux tells their mass-murdering barista.

Kylo crosses his arms. "You have to earn whipped cream privileges."

"I can terminate your contract and have you thrown out into the snow to die," Hux says pleasantly. "Now, whipped cream, if you will."

"Odd, you struck me more as a whips and chains sort of man," Kylo says, but gives Hux his whipped cream anyway. It's not until Hux is back in his office that he realizes that might have been an attempt at flirting, or possibly a serious threat to Hux's life. But this is the First Order. It was probably both at once.

Of course. Get close to the general in command and then murder him in bed. It makes perfect sense. Kylo is definitely here to infiltrate and murder them all.

Hux finds he doesn't really mind the idea. He is definitely turning into one of his stormtroopers.

"I'll deal with it later," Hux says to himself, and keeps drinking his coffee.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[Podfic] I Can Spell Confusion With A 'K' And I Can Like It.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13207947) by [sisi_rambles](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sisi_rambles/pseuds/sisi_rambles)




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